Parody Fic: Shoujo Academy
by samuraiheart
Summary: Typical Anime Girl #474 learns a few lessons about life as a character in a shoujo anime including how to use a magic attack and what to say to others who ask her about her strange eye color.


Shoujo Academy: Where Anime Characters Get Their Wings*   
  
by samuraiheart   
  
  
  
*This is a figure of speech and only means that this is where anime characters come to learn the basics of their careers – it is not meant to imply that each person will receive wings. This requires a careful mix of determination, bribes, prophetic visions and exceptional ability in the art of maneuvering around tall buildings. Not valid in all prefectures. No purchase necessary. Some restrictions may apply. Check our web site for details.   
  
  
  
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On an uncharacteristically lovely spring day somewhere in Japan where people apparently live in large suburban houses and not cramped apartment buildings, a young girl with magenta-colored eyes and long flowing lavender hair stared at the blackboard in front of her and let out an exasperated breath blowing her perfectly styled bangs briefly away from her face only to land in the exact same place.   
  
  
  
She rested her head on her chin and glanced up at the words that the teacher was writing on the chalkboard. She was infinitely cool already. Did she really have to know all of this stuff?   
  
  
  
She was of course typical anime girl #474 and no matter what her friends said she still maintained that her hair style was unique and cute and not at all like that of typical anime girl #471. Her bangs were much more… stylish - as opposed to #479's whose were simply too fluffy.   
  
  
  
#474 stared at the clock on the wall impatiently and watched the second hand slowly make its way around the large black numbers. The teacher's voice broke her concentration as he asked the class a series of questions that they would have to know for the exam. They had all studied thoroughly the night before and answered the questions reflexively as they stared ahead and pretended not to be counting down the seconds until class was over.   
  
  
  
"Why are your eyes a peculiar color?" The teacher asked as he paced back and forth in front of the chalkboard.   
  
  
  
#474 and all of the other students answered in a monotone voice. "I am either a mystical demon, an alien from outer space or some genetic experiment created by an antisocial scientist who locked himself in his basement at the age of twelve because he lost his parents, significant other or an irreplaceable teddy bear."   
  
  
  
"Very good." The teacher exclaimed – his eyes lighting up with enthusiasm. "And what is your favorite food?"   
  
  
  
"Like all good anime characters, I eat an enormous amount of food in comparison to my slim figure and look particularly odd given the general politeness of Japanese society when I attempt to eat more food than should feed a dozen people in a manner of seconds." The class continued.   
  
  
  
"Okay, now the last one and then it should be about time to go. What is that strange creature that keeps following you around?" The professor opened his copy of The Handbook for Dealing with Normal People: What Any Anime Character Needs to Know to check on the last answer.   
  
  
  
"That is only a stuffed animal that I carry with me despite the fact that I have outgrown such things and not a magical creature who has come to help me on some sort of sacred quest that could decide the fate of the world. If you see it move or hear it talk, please blame it on your own lack of sleep or failing mental capabilities and do not speak of such things again."   
  
  
  
When the bell rang #474 stopped off at her locker and grabbed her magic wand – it was of course gorgeous and perfectly suited to her particular task. It sparkled in the fluorescent light of the hallway and shimmered from end to end with something that could only be described in some obscure Japanese word that could never properly be translated to English. Despite this fact, it would surely be done someday and it would probably be referred to as "sparkles". On one end of the long, thin wand, a few inches of indestructible string hung down and at the end of it dangled a small stuffed penguin. It smiled happily at her with wide unseeing eyes. She didn't really know what it was supposed to do or why it was there at all. No one had ever been able to give her a reasonable answer to that one. She suspected some random generator somewhere on someone's web page determined it all – curse JavaScript! Strangely enough, the wand also required AA batteries – maybe that was what made it sparkle.   
  
  
  
#474 walked quickly towards the gym where she still had to attend magic practice. Oooh she hated her coach! He really must have been an idol singer in his previous life! He was much too arrogant!   
  
  
  
"Konnichiwa, #474-chan!" Her coach said with a twinkle in his eye that could only signify pure evil. #474 clutched her wand a little more tightly and a wide grin spread across her lips.   
  
  
  
"Konnichiwa, #121-sensei!" She bowed slightly to him and stood awaiting instructions.   
  
  
  
"Have you been practicing like I asked you to?" he said.   
  
  
  
"Hai sensei. Seventeen times before breakfast and twice before bed – got it."   
  
  
  
"Alright, let's see it."   
  
  
  
#474 nodded and glanced from side to side to make sure that there was no one watching. She stood with her feet slightly apart and her toes pointing towards the front. She brought one arm up to curve around her head like a ballet dancer and bent the other leg slightly in the beginnings of a pirouette. With a sudden motion she lifted her right arm straight up and brought the wand down with a quick motion that cut through the air and caused a breeze that blew her hair with just the right amount of dramatic effect. She composed herself as her coach clapped his hands in front of him excitedly and stood on his tiptoes.   
  
  
  
"Very good, #474-chan! Now let's try it with the words!"   
  
  
  
"You mean the magic attack?"   
  
  
  
"Of course I mean the magic attack!"   
  
  
  
"Alright, here goes." #474 stood in position once more and brought her wand down as she yelled the words "Blood Chilling Ice Illusion!" Her shoulders slumped dejectedly when nothing happened. She frowned and looked appropriately angsty. Her coach just tapped his foot in annoyance and crossed his arms in front of him.   
  
  
  
"Come on, do you really expect to summon the Ice Spirits with a tone of voice like that? You have to say it like you mean it! Come on. Repeat after me: BLOOD CHILLING ICE ILLUSION!"   
  
  
  
"BLOOD Chilling Ice Illusion!" she yelled.   
  
  
  
"I think you kind of lost your momentum on that one. One more time – more emphasis on the illusion part."   
  
  
  
"Blood Chilling Ice ILLUSION!" she tried again.   
  
  
  
"Hmmmm… that's better, but I think you need to concentrate more. Visualize!" Her coach insisted.   
  
  
  
"Ummm… sensei? What exactly am I supposed to be visualizing?" #121's eyes widened at her question.   
  
  
  
"What!? Haven't you done your assigned reading in the Guide to Predictable Anime Attacks? You were supposed to read Chapter 4: Ice is Always Cold and Chapter 11: Blood Is Pretty When It Sparkles!"   
  
  
  
"Oh. I'm sorry – I overslept this morning and I almost didn't make it –"   
  
  
  
"What did you say?"   
  
  
  
"I said I overslept this morning. I had to eat breakfast in a hurry and run out the door to catch up with my best friend since kindergarten so that we could arrive just before the bell and…" She trailed off as she realized that he was staring at her in disbelief. Her wide eyes glistened until #121's lips curved upwards in a smile.   
  
  
  
"Ahhhh… spoken like a true shoujo character. Congratulations! You've advanced to the next level!"   
  
  
  
"But I thought… what about the attack?"   
  
  
  
"Oh don't worry about that too much – in the face of something truly evil it won't work at all and it will take you several episodes to hunt down a mystical orb that will destroy the enemy in seconds."   
  
  
  
"Oh. I see. Can I go now?"   
  
  
  
"Sure. I'll see you tomorrow and we can practice developing crushes on utterly unattainable older characters. Please read the article on it in your packet "Falling for the Enemy and other Angsty Plot Twists"! The appendix includes a section on same-sex relationships! Don't worry – there are visuals! Enjoy!" 


End file.
